dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
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I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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