The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful