May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her