I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
When / where did the additional couches appear?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?