Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.