btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
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I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
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I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.