Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.