mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?