I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass