Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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