My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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