We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
