Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.