I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.