I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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