no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
