i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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