Tell her she can't have a vagina
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND