There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
