My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Come share oat with me in your robe
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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