Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
