it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
