I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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