Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im having a threesome with these popsicles
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How does it feel to date your dad?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
