dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
