I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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