She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You are the jesus of drinking
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...