you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.