I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...