Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
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I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
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Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.