Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
