I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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