Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Randomize
