So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
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Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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