we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
