hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I don't deserve a penis
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
