2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
