ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
