i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
