You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
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May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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