i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
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Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.