My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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