Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
it's great music for shaving your balls
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
