i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she smelled like a LAN party
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
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i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
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I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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