i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
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Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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