i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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