I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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