I smell stomach acid.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down