Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
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I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.