DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.