I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.