Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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