At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize