your parents love me but you hate me
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
