My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
