Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
