I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
