there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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