I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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