The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?