he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with