I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize