Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
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This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?